Becoming a friend you want to be friends with – By Ammie Black
What would it look like to become a friend you would want to be friends with? Do you have a criteria in mind? An “ideal” friend, maybe?
Childhood Friendships vs Adult Friendships
Consider kids. Most kids make friends rather easily. They meet someone new, and in 5 minutes they’re playing and laughing together like they’ve always known each other.
As adults though, friendships get harder to come by. There are various reasons for this. Work and home responsibilities may not leave much time for cultivating friends. Differing life stages and interests can make it hard to connect.
Being a bad friend
As an introvert, I have discovered something that I wasn’t eager to admit was true.
I make friendships hard by not being a good friend.
I’m not mean or rude to my friends, but often I don’t show up. I get invited to dinner. I accept, only later to find a reason to decline. I get asked to a movie. A festival. A concert.
And WITHOUT FAIL, I politely bail. Or if you bail on me, I am SECRETLY RELIEVED.
What kind of friend is that?
One who has been rejected and let down numerous times and fears it will happen again.
But I need friends!
We all do. To cultivate a community of support around me, that meant I had to begin to become a better friend myself. If I wanted to become the kind of friend I would want to be friends with, I had to BEGIN:
- BEGIN to be open: Let God take the fear so I can be free to be a friend. (Isaiah 41:10)
- BEGIN to be healed: let God’s love heal the broken places, so I don’t cause broken places in others. (John 13:34-35)
- BEGIN to be honest: Stick to my promises and commitments to friends, but if I really don’t feel like going out for a LEGITIMATE reason – then say so.
I have found that becoming a friend I want to be friends with is not easy. There has been some self-work and heart-work I have had to allow God to do in me. It has taken time. Several years, in fact.
Yet, friendship with other Christian women is so very rewarding. The work is worth it.
Friendship grows you socially and spiritually if you relate to the right people. Your tribe.
It keeps you accountable. It is designed by God, this community thing. Because we are not meant to do life alone.
So here’s my question for you, what can you begin to do or what can you allow God to begin to do, to make you a better friend?
I like how you took your struggle as an introvert and instead of making it about you, you made it about God and His will for you to love other people in spite of your circumstances. His grace is enough.
I think it’s so important that we behave how we want to be treated, and appreciate ourselves and our friends as much as possible xo
“let God’s love heal the broken places, so I don’t cause broken places in others” wow mic drop! being a good friend means letting God do the hard work in us. making that that commitment to be present and to be that friend we often desire . love this!
Great advice for introverts. I have a great “village” as I like to call it but we are all connected by our kids. Thank goodness for that because it made it easier to make friends as an adult.
Could relate but prior to this, I used to be that friend I wanted to have till I was hurt by these friends. Right now enjoy being introverted.
Thanks for sharing
Could relate to you so well, as I also struggle with these aspects. Thanks for sharing your experiences
This is so important! Being more like what you want in a friendship is definitely bound to be rewarded in better stronger friendships.
I struggle with this as well. It’s so hard to make new friends and keep them at this stage in life. Thanks for sharing this!
You bring up some very good points. My best friend to this day is a friend I met in elementary school. I’ve had a few close friends in my adult years but nothing even close to that childhood friend. It’s hard making friends as an adult but it’s SO necessary. Thanks for the tips on becoming a better friend.
As humans we do better with connection and meaningful relationships!
I am an introvert and I struggle with this! Great things to think about. Thanks for posting.
Such wise and beautiful words! An important reminder to us all. Thanks for writing this!
Such wonderful passages and words! Friends are such a gift from the Lord!
Whew! I have been here. Every day, I have to force myself to be social. My preference in general is to be gone although I do actually enjoy being social. I just also prefer home doing nothing but family time.
I truly enjoyed this post. I am the same way!!! I value my friends, but I also enjoy my “ME” time. I try to make it a priority to spend time with my friends at least once a month.
I am an introvert also. A great place to meet and cultivate friendships is in small groups at church. I have met so many nice Sisters in Christ and love the fellowship and accountability. ❤
This is me all day long. Yes, so much healing is needed as adults. I speak about Hope for Moms because of the hurts they have encountered.
Great reminder that we are all responsible for ourselves and how we show up in our relationships.
Thanks!
Great post! I have lost many friends in the past but have gained so much by being a better me.
Excellent post and one I think a lot more people should read. It’s easy for us to become complacent within our friendships and so it’s important that we remember how to be a good friend to others. We can’t just float by and expect them to love us and confide in us when we all but ignore them, then expect them to be there for us.
I LOVEs this Ammie. It’s very easy to look outwards when things aren’t working out in any ware of like and especially in relationships! Human nature is to ‘point the finger’!. What I love is that you give us all the chance and opportunity to look within and consider what needs to be adjusted within us. I know there are somethings that I need to change to become a better friend. In fact there are several things. Things for encouraging me to do so and for being an amazing guest blogger!!! xxx
P.S Also I think introversion/extroversion/ambiversion is not something we consider enough wn´hen it comes to friensships!
I’m an introvert as well. I think that a lot of bloggers are. We use our blogs to talk to people in ways we don’t feel comfortable doing so otherwise. This was a great post with a lot of insight.