I read the passage above in my book club novel, and as I tried to move on with the rest of the chapter, my eyes were drawn back. I continued reading, but the soft and gentle pull of my eyes back to these words every time I tried to move on with the book made me pause. Stop. Reflect. These simple 11 words:

“… you’ll be able to rest and meet God in new ways”.

I just want to finish the chapter so I don’t fall behind in book club, but these words demand my attention, so I went back to them. I highlight them and copy them onto a post-it note. My desire to read on, rather than stopping to let the words sit, speak, penetrate, and marinate in my mind and soul, reminded me of our all-too-often desire to rush. Through life. Through books. Through the Bible. Through Prayer. Through our kids’ childhoods. To Church. To the next project. To work. Always planning for the next season. Can’t wait for summer. Or can’t wait for the autumn colours. Or let’s prepare for Christmas. We are always rushing to somewhere else or some other time. But I’m learning to slow down. To live unrushed. To find peace in a pause.

Hannah has been a pastor for 15 years, and her leaders are requiring her to take a 9-month sabbatical. Her pastoral to-do list has become her purpose. She’s the Jesus-loving superhero who has come to save the world. She’s in a place where she wears ‘productivity’ like a cape, ‘burnout’ like a badge of honour and ‘serving’ like a pair of adrenaline-fuelled trainers that keep her going – No rest needed! God has given her everything she needs to take on the world. She has essentially become so addicted to serving, doing good, and being productive that to her, being sent on a sabbatical feels like a punishment. So she’s angry. She’s resentful.

Like Hannah, many have found their validity and self-worth tied to productivity, often wrapped up in doing or serving. Wrapped up in their subconscious is the need to be seen as faithful, useful or worthy by those around them, and even by God. To stop and take rest can feel like a scary place. How can God love me, see me, or hear me if I am not showing him that I am worthy to be loved? When your self-worth is tied to showing up,’ learning self-care and entering a season of rest or nesting presents a challenge. For the many women who do take on the challenge of learning to rest in the right season, rather than finding peace in the pause, at first, they may discover anxiety and questions.

Am I doing enough?

Am I enough?

Am I lazy?

What will people think?

Will I be forgotten?

Will someone else take over?

Will I fall behind?

Who am I now?

“Even if she never opened the box during the sabbatical, she didn’t want anyone else discovering it”.

Hannah didn’t want anyone to see what was in her bulging box of journals. Sometimes we don’t want others to see the deepest parts of us, but more so, we don’t even know the deepest parts of ourselves. Hannah’s over-bulging box of journals represents to me, the idea that sometimes we need to stop and sift through what we are carrying with us. We can reflect on the past, retain what is necessary, and discard the rest. Some ideas, old habits aren’t worth holding onto. Some memories and moments in our story remind us we have resilience – of what we’ve overcome or achieved. Some have shaped us into new people, with new perspectives and new goals. Some moments are the evidence we need to prove that God was there all along. If you took the time to rest,

What would you learn about yourself? About who you are now?

What worked for you before that just doesn’t belong in your life anymore?

What memories, traumas, hurts, or relationships are holding you back?

What memories are God showing you to remind you of how much He loves you?

How has God shown up in your life over the past few years? How is He showing up in it today?

In what condition is your relationship with God at this moment?

More than being scared of what others see, I believe Hannah is afraid to see what’s going on and what needs to change inside herself. But the very thing Hannah is resisting is the exact thing she needs. It takes rest. It takes time. It takes space. To sit. To be.

Sometimes rest is bigger than just sitting on the couch to rest your feet and delegating the dishes in the sink, which is now full for the third time today. To truly rest, sometimes you can’t just add a self-care plan; some things need to be removed, also.

In our book, Hannah had a time of rest before. She had an operation, and so she took time off work and stayed home. But she still insisted on logging onto her laptop. She took a physical break, but we all know she needed to get rid of that laptop, too, for the mental and spiritual break she clearly needed. A proper rest might have saved her from the burnout she’s facing now. But the real rest didn’t happen because she had idols she couldn’t let go of. Only we humans can take something very good and turn it into an idol.

I remember my own journey. Taking a break from blogging and my master’s degree in theology, stepping down from ministry at church. Making an intentional decision to focus on my first ministry – my family. It’s taken over a year for me to write again (publicly at least). What I thought would be a few months’ break/rest ended up being almost two years. And I didn’t just resign from my job at church. I left the church altogether. I resigned from my church job, feeling that the politics, manipulation, and drama in the church back-of-house would be eliminated if I quit. I could leave the job and return to being a regular member who can come and go as needed. I would be exempt from the drama and stress of church employee life, and that would bring joy back to Sunday services for me. But even after my resignation, I still left church every Sunday feeling stressed, not refreshed. I wasn’t walking out feeling exhorted spiritually, but rather exhausted spiritually, and the effects of this toxic environment spilt into home life.

We often use the phrase “You can’t pour from an empty cup”. And Dr Raquel Martins explains how many of us are more like a colander than a cup. We say ‘no’ more often. We are doing less. We’re saying ‘yes’ to rest, but still feel depleted. Dr Raquel talks about how sometimes we add ‘care’ to our regimen, but we don’t subtract chaos. (Tap to watch her reel here ⇒ Cup or Colander?)

The rest I needed to add to my life, and with whom I should share my rest, was equally as important as what and who I needed rest from. Church, one of the most ingrained and familiar communities in my life, was what needed to be removed. Leaving church, a key part of your life, is never easy. I use it as an example because it is never easy to really see what we need rest from, especially when it’s a core part of our belief system. I can say ‘no’ to all the dinner dates and shopping trips with beautiful friends, thinking that just ‘doing less physically’ equates to rest. When I take time out to just hang with friends and women of God, have a cup of chai, and chat about Jesus, it’s just the rest I need. At the table, with my Christian friends talking all manner of topics, including Jesus, the Bible, marriage, single life, travel, children, and life in general, was all the church fellowship I needed in this season.

When I left the church, I realised I had done exactly what Dr Rachel was talking about. I removed the chaos. I patched up a leaky hole. Church was no longer a place that drew me closer to Jesus or pointed me towards Him; it was a place that was actually a hindrance and a blockage to spiritual intimacy. Trying to manage my mental health through the gaslighting and toxicity of an unhealthy church (good people can still be toxic leaders) environment, and with what will be an unpopular decision to many, removing this place/Sunday event/tradition, which we called church, released space for me to meet God in new ways.   

For some real restoration and healing, as well as intimacy with God, it means that in addition to what you can add to your life, such as space, time, the word, rest, self-care, and a healthy community, what do you need to take away? As Dr Raquel asks, “What’s poking holes in your cup?

 “You deserve joy, not just to manage pain”. – Dr Raquel

“Nancy and Doug had generously given Hannah their Lake Michigan family cottage for the next nine months. Though Hannah had never been there before, she had seen all the pictures. It was beautiful”.

When God calls us to Him and wants to commune with us in a way that is deeper than we currently allow or have room for, it can be a challenge to step away from the things that distract us. I mean, it could actually be really easy for you, but for some of us, it can be a difficult journey. However, we must trust God that it will be a worthy one and much beauty awaits. Who knows what you will be set free from or what healing will take place? Who knows what you will learn? Or what relationships will fade away and which will blossom? What community might you lose, and what community might you gain? Which purpose or goal will become dormant and/or die, and which will become refined and given a new life? What beliefs will wither and fade? Who or what will become stronger and stay?

We don’t all get to be Hannah, where someone is giving us a 9-month paid vacation to retreat physically from our everyday world and encounter God. Most of us still have the daily tasks of life, including family, home, and home education prep, as well as many other plates and responsibilities to balance.  But we all have the ears and heart to hear when God is gently whispering to get our attention. Calling us back to Him and away from our distractions.

“The Spiritual Life is all about paying attention….The Spirit of God is always speaking to is always speaking to us, but we need to slow down, stop and give more than lip service to what God is saying. We need to get off autopilot and take time to look and listen with the eyes and ears of the heart……..Now I’ll caution you from the beginning…. walking the path toward freedom and deep transformation takes courage. It’s not easy. It’s not linear. It can seem messy and chaotic at times, and you’re likely to lose your sense of equilibrium as old things die and new things are born. You may feel disoriented as idols you once trusted and relied on are revealed and removed. ~But don’t be afraid of the mess. The Holy Spirit is a faithful guide, gently shepherding and empowering us as we travel more deeply into the heart of God.” (Sensible Shoes, Sharon Garlough Brown P.51)

When a huge part of my world changed as I knew it, I struggled. Did God hate me? Is that why all of this is happening? It feels like I’m losing everything. A job, friends, community, a way to steward my “gift”. I questioned and challenged what felt like a ‘forced’ season of rest, and at first it felt like chaos. Chaos not just on the outside, but also on the inside as God unravelled, some beliefs, pressures, idols and burdens that I had no business carrying. 

In fact, what was meant to be an opportunity for rest didn’t feel restful at all at first. It felt like war. But as I emerged from the chaos, with a sense of peace, clarity, and equilibrium, I could look back and see that I had found myself experiencing my relationship with God in a way I had never done before. Eventually, Hannah asked herself, “Who am I when I’m not a Pastor?” In this time of rest, she became willing to learn new spiritual disciplines. We also have the opportunity to change priorities, habits and rhythms in our lives.

Who are you when you are not ***Insert title/role/distraction here***?

What is God revealing to you right now?

I pray that as you journey, you will be able to add the rest you need and deplete the chaos that you don’t.

Yours Sincerely,

A woman who rested and met God in new ways.